Too Late to Quit



I've been in doubt since 2 years ago when I decided to change the subject of my thesis. I was going to analyze the novel of a french author named Marc Levy. After reading the Indonesian version and the original version, I took it to my adviser. She seemed not getting what I want to analyze from that novel and asked me to get deeper about the novel. I dig more and I think it can be analyzed with semiotic theory. But no, my adviser rejected it. She said that there were way too many thesis on my department that analyzed semiotic in french literature thesis. Then she asked me to change the novel right away to something more like... post-colonialism.

Oh my... shit happened.

I was depressed at that time. Of course I was depressed because I plan to graduate as soon as possible since I was in 7th semester and analyze the novel that I love, not the novel that y adviser asked. Honestly, I'm not interested at all to the novel that I have to analyze for thesis right now. It's too complicated and really not my thing. I plan to be an educator but my thesis is African-francophone literature and it's like... it doesn't relate at all!

I was more frustrated when I found out that my junior analyzed a novel of Marc Levy and my friend who consult months after me could analyzing the novel she took with semiotic theory.

What the hell was that?

Urgh. I'm just so furious even now after been 2 years in this toxic thesis cycle. I'm just upset and it's taking too long for me to realize that this is not what I really want to do. I'm more into education research because my dream is to be an educator one day. But now... it's too late to quit. I already do this and decide to stay but whenever it's getting more and more difficult, I can't ignore the fact that I've been dumped to do this not-so-important-thing for my reputation. I just need that B, Ed. title but it's just so hard to get it.

Well, I have no choice but to finish it as soon as possible though it seems impossible for me. The graduation day is still blurry and I can't even assure myself when. I just really want to make it happen this semester. I really want to do something else. Anything but this toxic thesis. I have to be more diligent and not let myself disappointed about what happened in the past. I'm sure someday that it will be paid. My what-I-think-useless will be paid with something worthier.

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