I Feel Shitty, But I'm Alright

October 27, 2017
I don't know where to start. This is totally gonna be a pure down time story that happened to me. In my 20s, I think everything's gonna be good as I imagined. It isn't. The "Safe Zone" in my life officially has stopped at 22. After that, everything seems complicated. I don't know. I wrote a lot about this "I'm okay and gonna be okay" stuff like hundreds times but it doesn't seem work anymore. Maybe I'm just blurred by the fact that I'm still learning and there will be time when I'm failing.


So, since the difficulties that happened to me when I tried finishing my thesis, things got rough even after I finished my study. I don't know WHY but I don't feel okay about it. I never felt okay with it. I tried to find excuses that made me feel like that would happen to everyone who face the same kind of difficulties that I had.

But, it wasn't right. I was the one to blame. I wasn't capable to handle such things. When I knew that my thesis got the score that I didn't expect, I tried to be calm. But actually, deep inside my heart, I'M PISSED. All the hard work that I put on that thesis felt shitty.

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The same thing happened to me recently. I just got rejected from my dream job in a media that I thought will hire me and got "expelled" from my recent job. When I thought that I'm already in my real comfort zone, turned out I didn't do good enough. The boss rarely communicated with me. When I got the chance to finally had time to have a meeting with her, she made the decision that I didn't expect to happen.

I was acting all strong in front of her. When she left me alone on parking lot, I cried. I sobbed hard while calling my mother and my boyfriend after I realized that my expectation towards my career was too much for someone like me. I was so happy that I finally got double freelance jobs and imagined that I could save for my master study that I planned next year. In a second, it's all gone. There was a little hope but then it's gone, just like that.

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This time, I won't question "WHY" because I knew that it's a phase where God tells me to be humble and not over expectation, to learn more without feeling over confident, to be grateful for some other things that I already have. I only focused on the negatives that I forget to focus on the positives that happens to me. The loves from my parents and friends, new environment of a community that I really love, and a job plus some side projects that pay the bills.

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Just like what I always said on all my down time articles, everything's gonna be alright. I'm alright and I will always be. I will always try my best to move on and looking forward for chances. Learning is never ending process, so I won't ever stop.

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