The Stage of Denial
Everyone has been experiencing the denial on their lives. Just admit it that when we're denial, it's always over the reality that we don't want to know or even understand. Sometime I get mixed-up between being denial and accepting. Me for example, I thought that I'm in the stage of acceptance about my body. Accept my body for how it looks. But people said that I'm denial about my weight. I don't do diet to get slimmer which most of people think it will be good or even better. Slimmer is healthier, that's what other people think most of the time maybe. This isn't what I think. I may do sports and eat healthy but if I'm a girl with plus-size figure, people will always judge me as unhealthy. But, I still accept the fact that I'm a plus-size girl. I can do sports and fit in plus-size clothes to make myself feels good.
Another example about me being denial is about my thesis. I know it's hard, it's difficult, it can't be done in one night only. I accept that I take much longer than my friends who already graduated. The things I'm denial about is I don't have to take it seriously. I'm denial when I prefer to sit in front of my laptop and choose to write blog rather than sit and read the novel that I have to analyze in order to finish my thesis. So, I accept the fact that I'm still a university student. I did go abroad to South Korea and got annual scholarship twice, the I can do part-time jobs and add more experience as volunteer to make myself feels good.
Freaking out is one of the possible reaction after being denial.
Honestly, after explaining the examples above, sometime I'm being denial in order to be an optimist. Yes, I deny the worst possibility that can happen to my health but then I can be optimist that I can be healthy even if I'm plus-size. I can go to aerobic class and eat healthy, hoping that I can be as healthy as other people who do sports and eat healthy. But, sometime the level of denial is too much that I accept myself as who I am too much, then I'm being pessimist about my health. I don't do sports as much as before and I'm lack of eating health. It's the same with the thesis too. I'm being too comfortable accepting that thesis is difficult and I'm in level of toxic denial when I think it will be done right on time. The question is, what time exactly? See, I can't even tell what time exactly will I graduate.
The thing is... being optimist and accept the condition of who we are right now is good. But when it's too much, it can be toxic and you can enter the stage of denial. How do you know it can be toxic and you're being denial? Well, there's no exact parameter for that. You know yourself so the one who can understand yourself is you.