When You Sick Of All Those Cliché Problems
I feel so weird lately. I really feel like I'm in major problem when I think I'm only exaggerating things that I feel. I'm stressed out. So stressed out until I can't sleep well at night, I have headache much often than before, my menstrual cycle isn't as normal as before. I was perfectly healthy, normal, have nothing to worry before thesis. But now when I step on the second year of my additional time to finish my thesis, I become more frustrated. I feel like I can do it, but I can't. Actually, I don't. I don't want to do it anymore. But I have no choice. I have to suck it up. So I'm trying to suck it up and swallow all the bitterness and let it ride to my head. There they are, frustration and depression all over me.
It's... suck. I can't say anything but that. I had times when I felt life was just so hard that I can't lift the weight on my shoulder up. I remember that I did ask my friends for help or just listen to all the bitterness that I felt. But lately, it didn't work. It just... when I want people just listen to me, they suddenly feel like I need advice. I know exactly the solution. I just need someone to listen not someone to give me advice. No, I don't need advice. I know the answers to all my questions but maybe it happened - it still happens - too often that people start to sick of it.
So what am I gonna do? When I wonder that people start to sick of me telling them my problems, I begin to shut myself down and lock myself out of people around me. The important people like my family, my friends, my boyfriend... I feel like they start to sick of me telling the same problem. The cliche that's going on and on with me now. They sick of it. And perhaps, they sick of me. What I have to do if even the closest person to me doesn't want to get involved just to listen to all my shits? How am I supposed to do when telling God is sometime not enough?
When it comes to writing, there will be conclusion. Well, I have no conclusion at all. It can't be answered because I have no clue what kind of answer it will be. I have to suck it up? Yes. Maybe. Or maybe not? Maybe I have to turn around in the last minute and start over what feels right for me? Do I have to do that. In fact, I don't have any bravery to start over. It's like... too far. If it's right, it'll be right. But if it doesn't right, I don't know what to say... I don't want to imagine. I'm not prepared for the worst. I guess I'll keep trying to do my best and not let myself go deep down into the worst.
I'm so aware of that. Thanks.