Things Got Rough Lately

September 22, 2017
This is the first time in such a long time to write something like this. I'm so upset lately. Not because of my job, I love my job anyway, but because something's missing in my daily life. Well, not quite something. It's someone. Someone that I've been crying about for a week.

I feel so corny about myself now.


But it's real. This person, oh my God, I can't imagine if something bad happen to him. I don't want to. Yes, it's a HE. He's my boyfriend. He's been sick and had a surgery for the first time in his life.

I. CAN'T.

I don't know why am I so upset about this. But this feeling, it's weird somehow. Maybe I was over-thinking, maybe I feel guilty. I was the one who told him that it's not a big deal, that before he was just poisoned and it would cure by itself eventually. I was such an idiot. Nah, I was a moron, for God's sake.

If  I can just turn back time to the past, I would suggest him to call his uncle and brought him right away to his hometown. I was so stupid for let him alone for a night. A day after, he had to be in hospital and I cried till my head hurts. I cried at that day and I was crying again the day after that. 

I felt so guilty for putting him in such difficult time. I never recognized the amount of stress he has. He works full-time, does his thesis, and be "guardian angel" for the community he's in. It makes me sick just to think about it. Back then, I was only did my thesis and work part-time, and I couldn't manage my schedule well enough.

HOW. DID. HE. MANAGE. TO. DO. THEM. ALL.

So, yes, the surgery he had was because of the stress he had. Although I told him to tell EVERYTHING he feels, he still manages to hide some of them. Yet, the stress he has makes his immune getting weaker and weaker day by day.

When he's in hospital, I can't accompany him every single day. I only visited twice because it's quite far from home. One of my friend knew and she said, "You have to accompany him. Don't just playing around"

Who the fck you told that been playing around, huh?

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I'm in my most sensitive time and someone told me that I've been playing around and not accompanying my bf because I'm fcking playing around?! That's. Not. Good. At. All.

I told my mom about it and her respond was like, "deal with it". Yup, I'm just gonna suck people's opinion up. I now declare myself that I'm in the level of "trying to suck it up" and "just deal with it". It's hard for someone who's super sensitive like me. I just can't believe that a graceful girl can judged me that bad.

Back to bf's condition, well, I hope he's doing fine by now. Still takes time for him to be able to sit and I can't wait for him to be back to Jogja. I love him and his family, especially his mother. His mother is so thoughtful. But somehow, she's worried too much and I really understand that feeling. That feeling is not a good feeling. I hope his mother can be relax a lil bit while taking care of his son.

If just I can go that easy to see them, I will go every single day to meet them.

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